Unedited from the Shamoozal of yesteryear dating back to the year 2000.
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Meet The Zoinks
The fifth grade was an awful year for me in many respects. The class bully hated me (or did he? I hate myself.), my teacher hated me, and I went totally loony tunes. You think I'm kidding around huh? Well, did you ever get so pissed off you ran out of the school building only to be chased by your principal? And then tackled no less! You're looking at the punk kid who did it. My how I've changed.
Under all of my insanity however, was still the kid who loved to draw. Every day, almost the ENTIRE class day, I would sit there and draw my heart out - no matter how bad the pictures were. I can remember sitting in class coming up with thousands of stupid characters, but only one cast of characters stood out from the rest, the Zoinks.
I would draw Zoink adventures day in and day out. They were all pointless and meaningless, but I still loved to draw them. I thought that perhaps I had lost all of my Zoink drawings, however, after a little searching in my room I came across a shit load of Zoink tales!
Up first is the very first picture of the Zoinks that I had ever drawn, period.
Look at those little guys. As you can see by the big hanging sign, we're now in "Zoinkville." From the looks of it, the Zoinks seem like peaceful primitive folk, flying helicopters made of sticks, and sporting the most ridiculous "food system" ever. See the Zoink with the car? He's carrying all kinds of little fruits around, while the Zoink near the tower fills up the buckets with the fruit and it gets dumped into that piece of shit that looks like a thimble. While this whole needless process goes on, a Zoink in the tower oversees all this pointless action. Ut oh! Watch out for the comedic factor of that one Zoink hanging on for dear life on that sign! Whoa!
Apparently, after the Zoinks do all their useless food work, they play sports.
And not just any sport, they play Volleyball. Not only do they play Volleyball, but they play with a million and one balls! If you truly wanted to see what was going on in this scene, just follow the arrows around that are coming off of the balls.
After a good round of Volleyball, the Zoinks play a little Basketball. Of course, with the Zoinks involved, antics are abound! Like that one Zoink on the bottom hitting the Basketball with a Baseball bat, and the one Zoink that's hang gliding, and the other Zoink who is stuck on a light with his whip in hand at the top of the page. Pretty exciting stuff.
This next one shows the that the Zoinks really know how to have a good time!
Yup, according to this picture, the Zoinks are so fun! That line proves true since they have such a great time in "The Zoinks Fun House!" Now this isn't just any normal Fun House mind you, and we can tell this by getting a closer look at the action...
As you can see, when the Zoinks first arrive at the Fun house they're treated to a balls pit, then they're off to the "Water Room", then the "Slide Room" which leads up to the Bridge Room, and then down the giant slide they go. Take notice to how the word Bridge is spelled.
However, as my brain goes sour... changes are abound in Zoinkville....
Now if you've read this far, you know that the Zoinks lead a very happy and fulfilling life.
Apparently, even a fifth grader knows that life isn't perfect, and hence something goes terribly wrong in Zoinkville...
Oh shit, who the fuck let the cat out of the bag? Apparently, there is some evil Zoink abound who realized that beer is fun. In fact, the Zoink is so happy about the beer, that it's offering all of it's buddies beer for ONE CENT!
You know, I didn't think a fifth grader could come up with some of the stuff seen on this page. Here we have Zoinks shaking beer cans with them exploding everywhere, Zoinks passing out over balcony's, and just passing out period. This picture has many antics going on. Click the picture above for a bigger version and even more explanations.
What the hell is going on? What the hell did I do to these poor little critters? The Zoinks were having a good simple life with the fruit buckets, and playing games. They never hurt themselves, and I bet if one Zoink was seriously hurt, all the others would be right by it's side. Then the introduction of beer is killing these little guys!
However, life gets worse for the Zoinks...
No, it can't be! A peaceful life, then beer and what could possibly be next??
The Zoinks go to war!! Somehow their primitive life now involves heavy duty artillery, and even planes! Of course, the bad guys wouldn't be bad guys if I wasn't clearly marked on all of their machinery. The "Bad Guys" won't stop the Zoinks and their "Zoink Warfare" unit, which is also clearly marked. You know what I laugh at here? There's all this kick ass machinery going on, but in the upper right you have this Zoink in an air balloon. Apparently, this airballon sucks so bad that the "Zoinks" label is spelled wrong!
Man.... this is ludicrous!!
The first shot of the "Bad Guys." That dude is doing a number on the city forcing the Zoinks to leave Zoinkville.
Looks like the Zoinks found the "Bad Guys" base. So in return for blowing up Zoinkville, they make sure they kick mucho ass.
Finally, the Zoinks win the battle. In fact, you can even see the Death Total at the bottom of this victory shot. Apparently the Zoinks did do a number on the "Bad Guys" killing a whopping 275 of them, while only 15 Zoinks kicked the bucket.
But what happened here?! The Zoinks went from completely peaceful, to having fun with substance abuse, to going on an all out war which cost them their whole city, only to get an ugly ass victory shot.
You know, I thought long and hard about the Zoinks and their existence in my mind. Here I took fun loving creatures, and turned them into a bunch of savages. It makes me wonder though, how I unknowingly connected the Zoinks to real life situations. Perhaps anyone with a good head on their shoulders could really read into the Zoinks and come up with many different solutions. However, the most obvious thing to point out about the Zoinks, is that their creator is an absolute idiot.
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Close Up on the Drinking Scene
So here we have a party scene in which a Fith grader would view it. I just wanted to take the time to point a few things out here. First, get a load of the Zoink in the middle of the page shaking the beer cans all over the place. There's a little text bubble poping out of his mouth which reads "I love beer."
Take a look at the balcony. Now, this place is expecting Zoinks to get sloshed there is a sign next to the doorway saying "Try not to fall." Looks like the Zoinks didn't try hard enough since one is hanging by his feet throwing up all over the little drunk man under him. While the other Zoinks up there with him is hanging by his arm spilling beer on top of that poor drunk Zoink.
I think my favorite Zoink on this page is the one that is jumping off of the top of the building. He's jumping off with a smile on his face, and beer in hand knowing full well that when he hits the ground, he's done.
What a mess.
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